Rotten Royals: 5 Very Bad Kings from History

Secrets and Scandals

Our five boys born to behave badly are drawn from the annals of history. But of course, modern royals have secrets and scandals, too. Edward VII, Prince of Wales, was more commonly known as “Dirty Bertie.” He is shown above, although he doesn’t make our shortlist. Edward took diplomatic trips across the globe to explore his licentious lifestyle, much to the embarrassment of his mother, Queen Victoria.

While Victoria managed to keep many of his countless affairs and sex worker debaucheries out of the press, Queen Elizabeth II had rather less success with “Randy Andy,” her own Prince of Wales. Now an ex-Prince, known simply as Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor, he faces accusations of treason and child sex abuse. Claiming a divine right to rule, with direct authority from God, answering to no one—who knew that doctrine might go wrong?

1. His Majesty Henry VIII

Henry VIII married six women, executing two of them, terrorizing or imprisoning all of them. He destroyed centuries-old religious institutions, looting their wealth and destroying their priceless artworks. He invented his own religion, with himself at its head, starting a schism that led to centuries of conflict. Henry ordered over 50,000 brutal executions during his reign. Drinking, hunting, and gambling, this paranoid and vain king bankrupted his kingdom. And although in his youth he was considered pretty hot, in old age, Henry was bloated and diseased, covered in pus-filled boils. The first English king to insist on the title “Your Majesty,” this murderous royal died at 55—it couldn’t have come soon enough, frankly.

2. Bad King John

Let us stay in England for our next example. This incompetent fool was soooo bad at his job that the name John has never been used in royal circles again. John reputedly murdered his young nephew, Arthur. His favorite punishment was starving enemies to death. In Ireland, he collected the heads of his enemies as trophies. He lost a huge chunk of the crown jewels in a swamp, and he managed to lose almost all the land England held in France, leading to the not-at-all-complimentary nicknames of “John Lackland” and “John Softsword.” Ouch!

Lecherous and treacherous, King John is the villain King we all know from the Robin Hood tales. In 1215, King John was forced by rebel barons to sign the Magna Carta, so, ironically, the worst King in British history left behind one of the first and most important legal charters for liberty in world history.

3. King Leopold II

When Africa was being brutally colonized by Europeans, King Leopold II of Belgium introduced a horrifying forced labor system that led to the death of 10 million Africans in the Congo Free State. Read that number again. Ten million. Leopold promised philanthropy, but delivered famine, disease, rape, mutilation, and amputation. Profits from rubber, ivory, and precious minerals poured back into Belgium, while brutal exploitation and atrocities continued until independence in 1960.

Belgian Butcher

Statues glorifying this horrifying endeavor have been attacked and defaced by modern-day Belgians facing their colonial history, although the Belgian royal family still seems rather attached to their monster. Depending on which side you choose in this debate, he was known as either the “Builder King” or the “Butcher of the Congo.”

4. Ivan The Terrible

If your nickname is “Ivan the Terrible,” I think we have a fair idea of what kind of ruler you are. This young tyrant became Ivan IV, ruler of Russia, at just eight years old, and his unchecked power brought Russia to the brink of ruin.

Brash and impulsive, he waged war against Sweden, Lithuania, and Poland. He killed his own people, too—Ivan massacred thousands of innocent people in Novgorod, Russia’s second city. Residents were burned, starved, or tied together and drowned in icy rivers. Known for extreme cruelty, Ivan made his cousin Vladimir drink poison and watched him die, and killed his own son in a fit of rage.

5. Wise Fool James I and VI

This king had two crowns. He was the first monarch to rule both England (where he was known as James I) and Scotland (where he was known as James VI). Nicknamed the wisest fool in Christendom, this royal gent was known for his intelligence and for narrowly escaping being blown up by the Guy Fawkes gunpowder plot. He was also known for refusing to wash or change his clothes. With rotten teeth and foul breath, he drooled constantly due to an overly large tongue. Although he denounced homosexual sex as an unforgivable crime, he was known for steamy public displays of affection to his male court favorites, who had unrestricted access to his bedchamber and his decision-making.

State Sanctioned Murder

On the throne from just one year old, he was raised by violent tutors who schooled him in hating his own dead mother, Mary Queen of Scots. Uh oh, I spy childhood trauma. A fascination with magic led to an obsession with witches. In 1597, he wrote a manifesto on demons and magic called Daemonologie, based on the 1486 German witch-hunting guide Malleus Maleficarum.

James personally supervised many executions, and took pleasure in watching the use of instruments like the cashielaws (red-hot irons encasing the legs) and the boot (an iron foot crusher). His state-sanctioned, misogynist persecutions led to the murder of around 2,500 citizens, almost all of whom were women. This part of his abominable reign is often skipped over in historical texts. In fact, just last year, the National Galleries of Scotland mounted an exhibition hoping to “redeem” his reputation.

Nasty Narcissists

So, what are your thoughts on our five worst-behaved royals? It seems that regal blue blood can turn to the dark side. More Sith than Jedi, in Star Wars jargon. Or if Game of Thrones is more your bag, think sadistic Joffrey Baratheon rather than merciful King Jon Snow. Oppression, cruelty, racism, misogyny, and colonialism don’t seem very divine, do they? These abominable narcissists caused harm to their families and their subjects, and the effects reverberate down through the centuries. Perhaps it’s time to learn from royal history, not just bow down before it?